Aching heart's solace

Its difficult to understand what's behind a woman's smile or glances, many a men have fallen to those wily charming overtures.

I do not perceive them as cruel or even intimidating, its more of a game which can make or break a Brave honest Man's heart.

Men of dishonor can perceive this as a game of lust and one night stand, but those who yearn for a true love find it improbable to take it that way.

I was traumatized once when i was away from the loving grace of my amma and nana. that was long time back and i wept the whole night. Later i recovered to my greatest surprise that Men do CRY.

I just rued the lost chance but never knew that LOVE is not momentary but a long lasting feeling in ups and downs or even seeing it gain strength. I enjoyed what youth had to offer that night by letting go of that little pain i endured.

years passed by without having any kind of thump in my throat until i set sight on an another person, but yes years passed by and my courage to do any of the theatrics i could have done when in earlier years is a definite NO.

But this person turns out to be a mystery and surprise in all. I have stayed away from any kind of thoughts towards her until one fine day she comes close to things i cherish CSS and its activities. After a year i happen to open the topic of liking to her and she just bombs it to pieces with a most obvious saintly words, i am not that type and her sorry tale of misdemeanors just chatters my respect for her.

All said and done my heaviness that single night was let out like a bad meal's safe exit- gaseous feeling of light. i slept well the next day.

But following weeks and months i was feeling gravitating towards her as my mind refuses to move away from the notion that this woman is in relationship with another man and she is not TRUE.

Not TRUE means she is a mirage which i must avoid at all cost. The intervening period was good and hilarious and at times i played the role of jester to keep her spirits high when down.  But what i am doing is building a emotional connect with a person whom i am yet to feel like settling down is remote.

Then playing dumb for her to laugh and she playing dumb for me to laugh all ends like a silent night after storm has washed away all the muck collected and dumped on the corners. I never care for her past as i never felt like opening a can full of contradictions which i was never going to accept.

Neither did i volunteer to bare my thoughts. Today its been a week i feel safe, safe from the thought that i am no SLAVE for a person's feeling. Given my age and EGO its becoming very difficult to play cupid or even dumb. smartness with age has made me a man of Pride in my life. Yes its no place for feeling loved but same time i find solace that your best loved people are your FAMILY.

a tickle of message on my modern phone makes me scurry like a squirrel at the sound of hawk scouting the plains. At times felt so STUPID and RIDICULOUS what i have become. one need a silent moment to look back and see how improbable a man like me has become.

This transient feeling is more hormonal hyper activity which i can always satisfy with simple DIY tricks but on a larger stage i feel its more mature thoughts and responsibility to task or objectives at hand. Yes at times artificial pressures which we build gets to sour my relations with loved ones, I DO knock on my head to SAY STAY Grounded.

So what is this aching heart all doing this bit of writing now? its a feeling for being caressed or brought into a cuddle that would feel like getting into arms of a most cherished being, after mother.

So all this aching can vanish if i snuggle upto my mother and pour out my heart? NOPE she would help soothe your feeling but aggravate her thoughts for you about finding a mate.

You have done well standing brave and tall to this idea of marriage by committing yourself for your dream work which is under process, but yes let go off these carnal pleasures which only bring pain which is NOT physically inflicted yet powerful enough to make you go crazy and look a fool.

Of late my urge to stay away from women who feel that sharing their ache comforts them, what NEXT? its difficult to carry's one's pain ör even their burden, being sensitive and handle with care software i am beginning to draw the Lakshman Rekha.

Playing the WHITE WALL helps as its white as its no colour which helps the person appreciate my openness about the issue at hand and the issue just peters out.

This is helping me to some extent as iam less emotionally charged and feeling less obligated. The idea of getting carried away by a beauty is no more valid as i am grounded by a anchor called LIFE which is not magical but realistic.

All these thoughts for other person is just thoughts as i see a billion images before i reach my office everyday, good bad ugly all are images which hit my memory for its thoughts and i say one need not analyse just GLIDE through.

This aching is all but a self centered selfish thought were you want entire moments for yourself with little regard for anybody around you and your plain JOY takes over blinding you of your situation and karma at hand. My karma is my next action which is right before me which is choose to ignore by sailing into that limitless expanse of stupidity and illogical thoughts of absurdity.

I feel LOVED by my clients when i deliver good products, i feel LOVED when i greet someone with a smile, i get LOVED when i think good about them, i get LOVED when someone helps me and LOVED just for being ME and not being LOVED by A person when the whole world is ready to shower that on YOU.

I decided to JUNK A person's LOVE for the world which is ready to LOVE me BACK.

True hormones does not allow me to rest in peace as the feeling gushes in to a act of ...........................a great soul is one who overcomes it and i am simple being trying to just figure out how to dry this gushing feeling into trickle for individuals and gush for a Greater good.

yet i am human trying to be a living soul breathing and eating and moving like others........................